Times Are Tough

This economic crisis is getting serious. It's starting to affect damn near every last person in this country, including the one man I thought would pull through this thing untouched: Billy Mays. Who is Billy Mays, you ask? This, is Billy Mays:

And he is the baddest m-fer in the space-age cleaner and revolutionary-household- items sales game. This guy could sell an ice cube to an eskimo, but he would never do something like that because he believed in only selling products that people really needed, like Zorbeez and The Handy Switch. His informative commercials brought to the world products we can now hardly imagine living without, like the Hercules Hook.
Whenever you saw that blue shirt and heard him get to yellin', you knew you were about to be introduced to a product that would add real value to your life. He was at the top of his game and admired by his peers, competitors, and countrymen. That was the case, until now. I can hardly post this video without feeling a sickening mix of shame, abandonment, and anger:

Damn it Billy, insurance? Are times that tough that you need to whore yourself out like WB?
You do realize his greatest career achievement was as a CO-STAR to these things?:

And now you're at his level-truly disappointing.
Now, you were almost caught actin' a biatch selling The Steam Buddy, but I let that one slide, because after further review, I realized it was a solid product; the on-demand steaming element is truly cutting edge. But this sin is unforgivable. Man, you're no better than this d.b. now:

I guess I've got to hit you with that Ron Popeil line and say set it and forget it to that career.

I Need Halloween Costume Help

As some of you may or may not know, I plan on being this self-important jack-a$$ for Halloween:

I have a sweater vest lined up, as well as neatly pressed flat-front slacks, but I'm having trouble finding a suitable wig to complete the ensemble. If any of my loyal readers knows where I can procure a wig that resembles this d.b.'s hair, please contact me ASAP.
Apparently UPS themed costumes are the "in-thing" this year as the following costume is the 3rd best-seller nationwide:

You can find an alternate view of the costume from a different angle (don't click on this ladies) here.

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

It's good to see kids getting out there and performing selfless acts. We need to see more of this.

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

If you received the emailed version of this post, you'll have to go here to view the video-http://oneofthenationsgreatestblogs.blogspot.com/

The Most Entertaining Presidential Race Ever?

As you all know, the official FLC stance regarding blogging about politics is that we don't do it, ever. But the quickly approaching conclusion to this race has illicited a sense of premature nostalgia in the depths of my being which has forced me to make an exception to this policy. Let's face the truth. This was, objectively, the most entertaining race for president in the history of the world. I hardly know where to begin or end. Let's start with some visual aids:

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Don't you rear your head over here Putin, you hear me okay dere?

It's about time they removed the whole "literacy" requirement from the Vice-President's job description:

I can't believe people think she is unqualified to run this country, she reads EVERY newspaper in the ENTIRE world. Do you know how many there are and how many languages they're in? Pretty f-ing impressive if you ask me. Would you be able to name 1 if you read about 38,045 a day? Didn't think so.
That whole interview had me rolling.

Cat-Fight Extraordinaire.


You could tell Katie Couric was pissed that this incoherent b**** was one timely heart attack from running this damn thing and she was still hustling interviews out in the streets. Piece of advice to Ms. Couric-you better polish up that resume in case McCain wins.
One thing Palin did prove she knew a little something about was winking. That chick can drop a devastating wink on ya' that'll make you feel 2 feet tall. Just ask Joe Biden:


That's how you connect with "Joe Six-Pack" Sarah, well done. And who the f*** is "Joe Six-Pack by the way"? Is this some super-hero I've never heard of that's native to the Alaskan tundra or something? Or is the personal trainer set a swing vote in this election? I'm confused. I know a few "Joe 12 pack of Stella and 7 vodka/sodas". Shiat, I've even met a few "Josephine 9 fuzzy navels before noon" and neither of the candidates are reaching out to them. What gives? Their votes matter too.
It seems both candidates are vastly out of touch with regular people. FYI John and Barack, nobody gives a spelunking-f*** about plumbers. Plumbers are not the fundamental fulcrum of the American economy. They plunge shiat, literally:

Whoops, that's an example of a plunging-neckline.
Sorry for the error, here we go:

And they'll keep plunging shiat no matter who wins or what tax breaks they may/may not get. It's in their nature and they can't be stopped from plunging shiat. And if for some reason they do, we always have gravity and drano to help with that.
Speaking of shiat, and more importantly, shiat-talking, BO (you weren't going to get away that easy)talks some pretty tough game about his basketball skills. I did some research on the topic and found some footage that is hilarious and makes you wonder about his "character":

Would somebody please D that man up? My grandmother could have dropped 30 on those cats the way they were rolling over. And that bogus no-look pass at the :47 mark had me in tears. Passing from 3/4 court to half court when nobody is paying attention or playing D and throwing that terrible, quick head turn, no-look-but-still-looking joint is really a joke. This is a no-look pass (sorry about the German):

Remember Barack, and this might be getting too philosophical for some, but it's not a no-look pass if nobody sees you pass it.
And how can I pass on making a reference to "drill baby drill":

Guliani's (if I spelled that incorrectly and you noticed it, good job, I'm proud of you) speech at the RNC was one of the highlights of the entire race for me. That guy is a grade-A d.b., and for that I love the man.
As I mentioned before, this race is so full of entertaining tidbits that I truly don't know where to begin or end the discussion. I guess I'll just leave you with this:

I really love that woman.

How to lose a game with 11 seconds left and a 1 point lead

I know most people don't give a spelunking-f*** (if there are flying-f***s, why can't there be spelunking-f***s? Just think about that one for a while.), but the Bears just illustrated the only way you can lose a game after throwing a game winning touchdown with 11 seconds left. If you missed it, here it is:

I can imagine Lovie Smith asking the team after Orton, yes Orton:

And again, yes, that Kyle Orton:

led the Bears to a miraculous come-from-behind 4th quarter victory, how they could possibly lose this game with only 11 seconds left on the clock.

I guarantee this guy then stepped forward and offered insight that bespoke of his proficiency in such situations:


The knowledge he dropped probably went something like this, "Listen guys, there are only 11 seconds left on the clock. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to blow this game, but if we execute like professionals, we can make this happen. First, special teams needs to squib kick the ball only to the 45 yard line. This will make sure the other team will have at least 6 seconds to get a play in to get them into field goal range. We could kick it out of the end zone, but that will give the other team 80 yards to go and it is impossible to go 80 yards in 11 seconds, even against us. Next, the defense needs to play a zone that will allow the Falcons to complete the only pass that will give them enough yards to get into field goal range while also getting out of bounds and stopping the clock". Done and done.

Congratulations Chicago Bears. You suck. You suck really hard. Not even the chokers on the North Side could come up with and execute a plan like that.
Before I forget, Peanut:

yeah, you. Don't think I didn't notice how you had to fake that injury again after getting lit up about 9 times in a row. You're terrible and I want you and your family to remove my link from your favorites list. On the bright side, Eva Mendes is still alive. In rough economic times like this, she somehow makes everything alright:

Have a wonderful week.

A Few Updates

In other news:

1. The White Sox suck too.
2. The Bailout Bill was ill-prepared, unnecessarily rushed, and will not increase liquidity in the credit markets.
3. Hoopz won "I Love Money", as I predicted at the beginning of the season. In case you wonder why I watch shows like that at times (btw, I am not watching the Road Rules/Real World challenge-I think I'm outgrowing that show), check this out:


Darn it, looks like I'm having technical difficulties again. That picture of Hoopz is NOT supposed to be there. A virus replaced the photograph I chose of her in a tasteful pant-suit with this smut. Apologies are due and rest assured my IT department is working diligently to remove this explicit photograph from this family blog.

Thanks for the memories

There really aren't words to describe my feelings regarding the end of baseball in Chicago this year. Actually, there are, I just don't feel like thinking of them. Let's just say it's a big cluster-f*** of disappointment, anger, disbelief, apathy, merciless animosity, an unrelenting desire for revenge, venomous disdain, and an oppressive sense of despondency.

That's pretty much how I looked after 3 botched ground balls in the same inning in game 2. As far as games 1 and 3-no comments are necessary. Ask this guy what he thought of Dempster's pitching and Ramirez's disappearing act.

I feel you buddy. Actually, I don't. I've only been dealing with these jokers for 29 years. You've been subject to their ineptitude for damn near 112.

Is it too much to ask highly paid professionals to field routine ground balls and get a couple of timely hits? Other teams' players do it all the time. Maybe that damn goat did curse us.

Or maybe it was something or someone far more sinister.

Nah. We just employ losers. Simple and plain. And I hope all of you are ashamed of yourselves as you sit in your penthouses and mansions, drinking expensive booze while scantily clad Brazilian models traipse around doing the finest Coke off of your baseball bats. Maybe that doesn't happen (it should), regardless, Ramirez, Lee, Soriano, Dempster, and even Sweet Lou are no longer welcome to read this blog. Please delete my link from your favorites folder.

Good luck White Sox

May you finish the season strong White Sox. I honestly hope you make the playoffs and get to the World Series-so the Cubs can whoop that a$$. As a celebration of the Cubs superb season, I present some photographs that have a warm spot in all Cubs fans' hearts. White Sox fans probably want to look away:

I love how scared AJ looks in this picture. He knows he got caught actin' a biatch and that he is about to pay the price.

Xanadu! Perhaps the best photograph ever taken. A picture really does tell a thousand words.

Hey, how did that get there? Sorry female fans of the blog, it appears my computer has a virus. That gratuitous photo isn't supposed to be there. Rest assured, I have my IT people working on this now. We will work diligently to correct this error.

Let's Act Like We've Been There Before

Attention all Cubs fans:

I might just be a cranky c-knocker, but I'm really tired of Cubs fans (I'm one, fyi) acting like Saddam died, another economic "stimulus" check was mailed, and WHAM reunited all on the same day whenever we win the Central. Come on people, we have like the 2nd or 3rd highest payroll in the league, the best park in the nation in one of the best baseball neighborhoods, and we're in one the nation's largest media markets. We should be winning this thing damn near every year. Let's act like clinching the division in mid-September is expected, instead of this:


We don't want to give our players the impression that the mission is accomplished:


I'm a realist who appreciates baseball and Chicago and actin' a fool just because we won a division is unacceptable in my opinion. People typically meet clearly defined expectations and we should let the players and management know that a World Series WIN is what will garner our collective adoration. Just making it is not doing it for me. Winning the NLCS will be nice, but if we lose in the World Series I'll be more pissed than ever. Ever. Let's act like Yankees fans and throw this front up until we're hoisting that trophy high:

Da Bears

The unofficial, pre-season FLC (OOTNGB) stance regarding the
Bears season would be that their record, after all was said and done, would be...4 and 12. This was based on last season's performance and the seemingly terrible decision to draft Matt Forte in the 2nd round and the potentially disastrous offensive line situation. I stand corrected. After smashing Indy, at Indy, and spanking Carolina for 3 quarters on the road, I'm adjusting the official stance. 10 and 6 is the new prediction. This prediction comes with some qualifiers. One: Brian Urlacher needs to concentrate on hittin' running backs and not hittin' skeezers like this:


2. Matt Forte continues to run like Emmit Smith and not like this dunce:


3. Greg Olson stops actin' a bitch and learns how to make plays like the H-Bomb:



And 4: We treat the Bucs like we would if this skank hoe were trying to jack us for our ends:


If all this happens, I'll be smiling like the 'Lach and Zume in this pic (recognize that chick BL is fondling? She's from Rock of Love Season 1...)


BTW, I know I have some loyal readers that are Lions fans. Let me remind y'all are 0-2 and this is what MegaTron really looks like:



Watch Mike Brown shut his ass down.

Bikini Shot

I promised my devoted fans that I would post the Sarah Palin bikini shots once they were available. My main-man forwarded this to me (one of the best attorneys in Chicago-email me if you need his info.) and I appreciate the thought:


It's probably photoshopped, but McCain's camp couldn't have done a better job. It's about f-ing time we had a bikini-clad, gun-totin', fancy-spectacled-wearin' VP candidate. I heard Obama's camp is releasing an equivalent photo of Biden to garner female votes. Don't worry, I won't be posting it:

Cougar Alert! Hissssssssssssssttt!

As we all know, the official OOTNGB stance regarding blogging about politics is that we don't do it. Ever. There is too much going on behind the scenes we're not privy to and multitudes of opinions, "insights", and other inane information to sift through that I feel like I would be wasting my time and only offering regurgitate for my loyal readers to enjoy. And this exception to my blog policy proves my point. Hours and days of "pundits'" and citizens' lives were spent arguing over who would be McCain's VP. And none of them knew jack shiat. McCain just changed the whole game up by throwing this surprise left-hook:



This post isn't about Sarah Palin's contribution to McCain's campaign or the potential threat she poses to Obama's, because quite frankly, I have no f-ing clue what either one of those are. I hope some of those questions can be answered in the comments section.

No, this post is to fulfill the duties I uphold as a Cougar watchman and to issue the Cougar Alert when I see a dangerous Cougar on the prowl. And believe you me, this is one dangerous cougar. Look at the perfectly manicured up-do, the economically applied make-up and the tasteful glasses. This chick is hot and will eat lesser men alive, I guarantee it.



I want you to look carefully at her eyes in this picture. Do you see what they're saying? They're saying, "I will find a strapping man half my age, ravish him sexually, and leave him shortly thereafter whimpering and asking if I love him. And to that I will simply answer, I just did." Be very careful if you happen to encounter this cougar in the wild. Try your best to not make eye-contact and back away slowly.

Let's see the natural look:



Stunning. You might see this face at a PTA meeting one minute and the next in a stylish nightclub, stalking her prey.

All kidding aside, and I know she has a family and all that crap (not that that necessarily diminishes her potential cougarhood), this chick is pretty hot. I'm really excited about this election now. It's going to get real interesting. When the bikini shots surface, I will faithfully post them.

Barack and Roll

Most of my readers are Obama supporters and I'd say all but one are huge Rick Astley fans. Therefore I think I'm obligated to share this:



-Dan

Vintage Footage

I know most of you won't give a flying-f***, but I found this full-length DePaul vs. Lousville game from 1980. For those of you that don't know, this DePaul squad was arguably the best of all time and was loaded with future NBA talent such as Mark Aguirre (#1 overall pick in '81), Terry Cummings (#2 overall pick in '82), Skip Dillard ('82 NBA draft pick), Teddy Grubbs (McDonald's All-American), etc.

Check out the video here: http://tv4u.com/show-large-video.asp?cid=26&sid=705&vid=1966&t=1980%20DePaul%20vs%20Louisville&cat=Classic%20Sports

Louisville was coming off a National championship season. A great game and you get to see Billy Packard in him prime! The advertisers are hilarious-Datsun, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Milton Bradley...it was a simpler time.

It's sad to watch it now because of the current shape of the Mens Basketball program. Hey Jerry Wainwright (head coach of DePaul), and I know you read this family blog regularly so I won't get too heated, but: Could you please get off your a** and get some recruits in here? We have 0 recruits for '09 while Villanova already has the #2 recruiting class and G'Town and Marquette are in the top 10.

I know you only recruit "character" guys, but shiat, we need some bodies in here, you might have to get some "less that desirables" in here if we want to field a team in '09, because you know Dar and Mac are going pro on us early like every other decent player we ever get. Seriously, it might be time to go the Bob Huggins' route and recruit some players that might not fit our high character, Vincentian mold, like this a**h***:

-Dan

Why the Olympics sucks and I'm glad they're over

Olympic Race-Walking. WTF is this shiat?


Did I just watch footage from Miami's gay pride parade? Is this really a sport? I thought Ping-Pong and Badminton were stretches as Olympic "Sports", but this has to be the grossest misappropriation of the word "sport", EVER. I would even argue that bowling is more deserved of the name "sport" than this nonsense.

I was sure that Olympic Race-Walking was only added recently to the Olympic games as a concession to the PC constituency. I was wrong. People have been race-walking since the 19th century.

It's been an Olympic sport since 1908! Back then they called the sport pedestrianism

It's funny that the 3rd and 4th definitions of pedestrianism in the dictionary are:

3.
of or pertaining to walking.

4.
lacking in vitality, imagination, distinction, etc.; commonplace; prosaic or dull: a pedestrian commencement speech.

I think the 4th definition describes Olympic Race-Walking perfectly.

Now that I think about it, the 2008 Olympics in general were pedestrian. The US crushed everybody in basketball, the Chinese dominated Badminton and some other non-sports like gymnastics, and every other event was equally as boring and predictable, except for synchronized swimming. I've always been a fan of the sport and been intrigued by the types of "athletes" the event attracts. For those that haven't seen any examples of a typical member of the Brazilian SS team, please enjoy:

Yes, these twin-sisters are actually on the Brazilian SS team. And you were probably watching Michael Phelps's ugly ass flop around in the water, weren't you?

Suckah. Stick with me if you want to know what to watch during the Olympics.

-Dan

p.s. I've got to give China some credit for making sure there were some pretty hot cheerleaders at damn near every event. Though this is a family site and I generally disagree with sexist, pinko-commie bastards on every point, I have to take my hats off to them for this:

North Korea Removed from the US list of States that Sponsor Terrorism

This sucks. I loved having North Korea on that list. This guy was great-

I heard he imports shitloads of fine cognac and other luxury items while he lets his population suffer in wretched poverty. He also likes to "accidentally" launch rockets over Japan and basically tell the entire world to f-off. Well, I guess not anymore. He blew up some tower at a nuclear facility that was already disabled and incredibly easy to rebuild as a show of his devotion to dismantling the country's nuclear weapons program. He might be bullshitting and probably sold whatever technology they had to every d.a. and their grandmother from Syria to Indonesia, but it was enough to get his country off of that list.

This removal begs the question, which country is going to take its place?

I have a few suggestions:

1. Madagascar-I'm pretty sure the only things that live there are bush-babies, turtles, birds, and other stuff like that, which would make it kind of a funny choice.

2. France-If Cirque du Soleil isn't considered an act of terror, I'm not sure what is-

3. The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia-Just because of the name.

Time for lunch. If anybody has any suggestions, please post them in the comments.

*Side Note* The Bulls took Derrick Rose as I instructed. Well done.

Welcome home Derrick. You've got your work cut out for you whipping those biatches into shape, good luck.