I Need Halloween Costume Help

As some of you may or may not know, I plan on being this self-important jack-a$$ for Halloween:

I have a sweater vest lined up, as well as neatly pressed flat-front slacks, but I'm having trouble finding a suitable wig to complete the ensemble. If any of my loyal readers knows where I can procure a wig that resembles this d.b.'s hair, please contact me ASAP.
Apparently UPS themed costumes are the "in-thing" this year as the following costume is the 3rd best-seller nationwide:

You can find an alternate view of the costume from a different angle (don't click on this ladies) here.

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

It's good to see kids getting out there and performing selfless acts. We need to see more of this.

12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

If you received the emailed version of this post, you'll have to go here to view the video-http://oneofthenationsgreatestblogs.blogspot.com/

The Most Entertaining Presidential Race Ever?

As you all know, the official FLC stance regarding blogging about politics is that we don't do it, ever. But the quickly approaching conclusion to this race has illicited a sense of premature nostalgia in the depths of my being which has forced me to make an exception to this policy. Let's face the truth. This was, objectively, the most entertaining race for president in the history of the world. I hardly know where to begin or end. Let's start with some visual aids:

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Don't you rear your head over here Putin, you hear me okay dere?

It's about time they removed the whole "literacy" requirement from the Vice-President's job description:

I can't believe people think she is unqualified to run this country, she reads EVERY newspaper in the ENTIRE world. Do you know how many there are and how many languages they're in? Pretty f-ing impressive if you ask me. Would you be able to name 1 if you read about 38,045 a day? Didn't think so.
That whole interview had me rolling.

Cat-Fight Extraordinaire.


You could tell Katie Couric was pissed that this incoherent b**** was one timely heart attack from running this damn thing and she was still hustling interviews out in the streets. Piece of advice to Ms. Couric-you better polish up that resume in case McCain wins.
One thing Palin did prove she knew a little something about was winking. That chick can drop a devastating wink on ya' that'll make you feel 2 feet tall. Just ask Joe Biden:


That's how you connect with "Joe Six-Pack" Sarah, well done. And who the f*** is "Joe Six-Pack by the way"? Is this some super-hero I've never heard of that's native to the Alaskan tundra or something? Or is the personal trainer set a swing vote in this election? I'm confused. I know a few "Joe 12 pack of Stella and 7 vodka/sodas". Shiat, I've even met a few "Josephine 9 fuzzy navels before noon" and neither of the candidates are reaching out to them. What gives? Their votes matter too.
It seems both candidates are vastly out of touch with regular people. FYI John and Barack, nobody gives a spelunking-f*** about plumbers. Plumbers are not the fundamental fulcrum of the American economy. They plunge shiat, literally:

Whoops, that's an example of a plunging-neckline.
Sorry for the error, here we go:

And they'll keep plunging shiat no matter who wins or what tax breaks they may/may not get. It's in their nature and they can't be stopped from plunging shiat. And if for some reason they do, we always have gravity and drano to help with that.
Speaking of shiat, and more importantly, shiat-talking, BO (you weren't going to get away that easy)talks some pretty tough game about his basketball skills. I did some research on the topic and found some footage that is hilarious and makes you wonder about his "character":

Would somebody please D that man up? My grandmother could have dropped 30 on those cats the way they were rolling over. And that bogus no-look pass at the :47 mark had me in tears. Passing from 3/4 court to half court when nobody is paying attention or playing D and throwing that terrible, quick head turn, no-look-but-still-looking joint is really a joke. This is a no-look pass (sorry about the German):

Remember Barack, and this might be getting too philosophical for some, but it's not a no-look pass if nobody sees you pass it.
And how can I pass on making a reference to "drill baby drill":

Guliani's (if I spelled that incorrectly and you noticed it, good job, I'm proud of you) speech at the RNC was one of the highlights of the entire race for me. That guy is a grade-A d.b., and for that I love the man.
As I mentioned before, this race is so full of entertaining tidbits that I truly don't know where to begin or end the discussion. I guess I'll just leave you with this:

I really love that woman.

How to lose a game with 11 seconds left and a 1 point lead

I know most people don't give a spelunking-f*** (if there are flying-f***s, why can't there be spelunking-f***s? Just think about that one for a while.), but the Bears just illustrated the only way you can lose a game after throwing a game winning touchdown with 11 seconds left. If you missed it, here it is:

I can imagine Lovie Smith asking the team after Orton, yes Orton:

And again, yes, that Kyle Orton:

led the Bears to a miraculous come-from-behind 4th quarter victory, how they could possibly lose this game with only 11 seconds left on the clock.

I guarantee this guy then stepped forward and offered insight that bespoke of his proficiency in such situations:


The knowledge he dropped probably went something like this, "Listen guys, there are only 11 seconds left on the clock. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to blow this game, but if we execute like professionals, we can make this happen. First, special teams needs to squib kick the ball only to the 45 yard line. This will make sure the other team will have at least 6 seconds to get a play in to get them into field goal range. We could kick it out of the end zone, but that will give the other team 80 yards to go and it is impossible to go 80 yards in 11 seconds, even against us. Next, the defense needs to play a zone that will allow the Falcons to complete the only pass that will give them enough yards to get into field goal range while also getting out of bounds and stopping the clock". Done and done.

Congratulations Chicago Bears. You suck. You suck really hard. Not even the chokers on the North Side could come up with and execute a plan like that.
Before I forget, Peanut:

yeah, you. Don't think I didn't notice how you had to fake that injury again after getting lit up about 9 times in a row. You're terrible and I want you and your family to remove my link from your favorites list. On the bright side, Eva Mendes is still alive. In rough economic times like this, she somehow makes everything alright:

Have a wonderful week.

A Few Updates

In other news:

1. The White Sox suck too.
2. The Bailout Bill was ill-prepared, unnecessarily rushed, and will not increase liquidity in the credit markets.
3. Hoopz won "I Love Money", as I predicted at the beginning of the season. In case you wonder why I watch shows like that at times (btw, I am not watching the Road Rules/Real World challenge-I think I'm outgrowing that show), check this out:


Darn it, looks like I'm having technical difficulties again. That picture of Hoopz is NOT supposed to be there. A virus replaced the photograph I chose of her in a tasteful pant-suit with this smut. Apologies are due and rest assured my IT department is working diligently to remove this explicit photograph from this family blog.

Thanks for the memories

There really aren't words to describe my feelings regarding the end of baseball in Chicago this year. Actually, there are, I just don't feel like thinking of them. Let's just say it's a big cluster-f*** of disappointment, anger, disbelief, apathy, merciless animosity, an unrelenting desire for revenge, venomous disdain, and an oppressive sense of despondency.

That's pretty much how I looked after 3 botched ground balls in the same inning in game 2. As far as games 1 and 3-no comments are necessary. Ask this guy what he thought of Dempster's pitching and Ramirez's disappearing act.

I feel you buddy. Actually, I don't. I've only been dealing with these jokers for 29 years. You've been subject to their ineptitude for damn near 112.

Is it too much to ask highly paid professionals to field routine ground balls and get a couple of timely hits? Other teams' players do it all the time. Maybe that damn goat did curse us.

Or maybe it was something or someone far more sinister.

Nah. We just employ losers. Simple and plain. And I hope all of you are ashamed of yourselves as you sit in your penthouses and mansions, drinking expensive booze while scantily clad Brazilian models traipse around doing the finest Coke off of your baseball bats. Maybe that doesn't happen (it should), regardless, Ramirez, Lee, Soriano, Dempster, and even Sweet Lou are no longer welcome to read this blog. Please delete my link from your favorites folder.